A new leaf?

What?!? Again when I was out of control I had the wrong response. I got angry and resentful. But then it worked out just fine. What a lesson to learn that when I surrender and give up control sometime tho be just work out.

I also realized that I am so much happier when I can just be myself. Who doesn't love being true to who we are. Last night in my interviews that I was doing many of the kids said they never wanted to be anything other than who they were. That then provokes the question, who are we really? Deep down at our core who are we?!? Are we the words of others? Should we allow the world to define us or should we define ourselves. I personally think that the only definition that matters is the labels that God gives us. That would be an intersting curriculum, "how does God see me?" that is some serious food for thought.

Blessings. SJ

My anxiety

Wow, I have never know anything as crippling as when I lose control. Last night and this project are prime examples of when I shut down because I don't have control of a situation that is as important as this one. Surrender? One of the biggest struggles I have left. I need to know or see how this project will get done, but I don't. See how that is going to happen and I can't just trust. Ultimately that is what we are called to do, when we are being proactive an let God do the rest he will meet us, right? I can't just assume that God will complete all I have to make some attempt. God teaches us lessons in the strangest ways. Like taking away your wallet an leaving you stranded. That's when I just shut down because my plans fell apart and I lost all hope.

If I had taken the time to breath and I dunno but I can't do that I have to over react. I need to learn to surrender on the one hand and learn to deal with my anxiety better on the ofer hand . God works good for those who believe in Him. I believe in Him and I know this will work out. Let's see how tonight goes... God surely won't dissappiont. :)

My secret

I live with two couples, and it makes me sad to see people in love. watching everyone else be happy makes me green with envy, so i become passive aggressive. and I avoid them at all costs. especially when the four of them all together... what am i then? the fifth wheel? I wont put myself through that again.