My heart aches. Desires to be loved. Why is it my fault? Someone tell me why. What did I do to deserve this

The puzzle

How do we play this game? The one where we ebb back and forth between two places and two sets of friends. It creates two separate persons, how do I do that? How do I be both, how do I lose myself so much that I have a hard time fitting in, in both places.

Oh my my

The one thing I can't stand is when people don't respect other peoples time. I'm going to scream!!!!

A new leaf?

What?!? Again when I was out of control I had the wrong response. I got angry and resentful. But then it worked out just fine. What a lesson to learn that when I surrender and give up control sometime tho be just work out.

I also realized that I am so much happier when I can just be myself. Who doesn't love being true to who we are. Last night in my interviews that I was doing many of the kids said they never wanted to be anything other than who they were. That then provokes the question, who are we really? Deep down at our core who are we?!? Are we the words of others? Should we allow the world to define us or should we define ourselves. I personally think that the only definition that matters is the labels that God gives us. That would be an intersting curriculum, "how does God see me?" that is some serious food for thought.

Blessings. SJ

My anxiety

Wow, I have never know anything as crippling as when I lose control. Last night and this project are prime examples of when I shut down because I don't have control of a situation that is as important as this one. Surrender? One of the biggest struggles I have left. I need to know or see how this project will get done, but I don't. See how that is going to happen and I can't just trust. Ultimately that is what we are called to do, when we are being proactive an let God do the rest he will meet us, right? I can't just assume that God will complete all I have to make some attempt. God teaches us lessons in the strangest ways. Like taking away your wallet an leaving you stranded. That's when I just shut down because my plans fell apart and I lost all hope.

If I had taken the time to breath and I dunno but I can't do that I have to over react. I need to learn to surrender on the one hand and learn to deal with my anxiety better on the ofer hand . God works good for those who believe in Him. I believe in Him and I know this will work out. Let's see how tonight goes... God surely won't dissappiont. :)

My secret

I live with two couples, and it makes me sad to see people in love. watching everyone else be happy makes me green with envy, so i become passive aggressive. and I avoid them at all costs. especially when the four of them all together... what am i then? the fifth wheel? I wont put myself through that again.

So about those lies...

I am still having trouble undertanding myself. Those lies... never seem to leave me be. I hate coming to this class alone, I still cant seem to make friends the way I want to. It's the peer thing, I guess I look even more like a loser to the because I am all alone. But maybe if I wasn't afraid of them than there wouldn't be a problem, unfortunately it's a phobia, one that I am ashamed of and can't believe I live my life by. I need a new beginning. I can tell everyone to live that way, but I can't believe it or live it for myself. I live in a world of excuses a closed world where I am all alone I can't share my burrden. I need someone to hold me accountable, but of no one knows how can they help.

God I come to you and pray for your strenght to empower me. I refuse to live the lies.

ITS A LIE

First of all, I just want to say that relationships are complicated, and I am not sure I am going to ever be able to handle a relationship.

Second of all, I was talking with someone today and she said that i should point out the lies that everyone has always told me about myself.
1. why would anyone ever want to look at you, or be in a relationship with you. THAT'S A LIE! I am worth just as much love as anyone else. I am worthy.
2. you have a weird accent. THAT'S A LIE! I am no different any anyone else. I was just a normal 12 year old girl. I am still just a normal person.
3. maybe if you tried harder to look nicer someone would ask you to prom. THAT'S A LIE! why can't someone just love me for who I am? Why do I have to be different for someone to love me? I am who God created me to be, beautiful inside and out.

Satan can't use these lies to beat me down any more
Bueno, me voy... hasta pronto amor

Progress

I think I am making progress in all areas minus one. The finances are still a lil on the lacking side. i am not working as much as I should be, but I am not sure that with my current academic schedule i could work more. I am going to try and pick up a few one time jobs that will allow me to do some house cleaning and get some cash to spend or to save. Plus, my taxes will be coming in and what not, so I need to split that between my two accounts.

but progress, focusing on the good, because I am doing a good job. sometimes
1. Drinking / Openness -- i have reccently given up drinking liquor because I feel convicted that I shouldn't be drinking it, plus its kinda expensive anyways. haha. So yeah, But I am out in the open with my roommates and other people in my life about my struggle with drinking, and why im drinking and how i want to change. I realized that I have been drinking to make myself socially comfortabale. yikes! Self-confidence issue right there. Not something I can change over night, because I have socail anxiety that resluts from my lack of self confidence. woot woot. again, working on it. The bar scene the other night was terrible, because I walked in Dylan wasn't there, and I didn't know anyone. He came, for a lil bit, left for a lil bit, and then it was just wierd. So yeah, i'll maybe try it again soon.

2. weight loss - well the pounds are melting off as fast as the inches seem to be doing. I guess I had a lot of 'flab' that just needed to be tightened up. So I am working out still, and I am eatting better. I think? Trying not to drink soda, and the worse part is that beer has a lot of calories, so I need to concious of that. i.e. I need to look at my caloric intake before I have a drink to see if i have room in my diet that day to have a beer. Too bad my favorite drinks are heavier. BOO. I'll continue working on it. wish me luck.

In my car

So here I am sitting in my car for the past 15 minutes and I have yet to work up the courage to get out of my car... But I guess here goes nothing... I'll open the door... Step by step cross the street. That sounds easy but require almost too much thought. Good luck. And here I go.

anxiety

I have a problem, I am suffering from lack of confidence. I thought I had left my insecurities in Spain, but I guess my work is far from over. Tonight, I am going to a bar that I have never been to, to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in years. Dylan is one of my best friends from high school, and I can't eat I'm so nervous. I over react, I am scared to get there, and have him not show up, and then I'm by myself. I am not sure if it would be better if I had been to this bar before or not. This happened, on Sunday, but it wasn't as bad, because I knew the bar and the person I was meeting was someone i have seen within the last two months. Dylan, I haven't seen in 3 years.

It blows my mind, that the insecurities that have kept me in bondage for years, that I thought I had abandoned, are still a large part of who I am. I just don't get what triggers this problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. Am I nervous that I am not good enough? Im scared of how people will respond to me, and that I'll be left alone.

Maybe I'll get answers one day, until then, I have to be bold, and pray that I make the right choices. I think this is part of hte reason i have a drinking problem, because drinking puts me at ease and allows me to relax. I am trying to figure out how to do that without a drink. yikes... God i pray that you will help me discover my worth and my pride in myself.

Woven photos

one of the most common ways that we document our lives is with photos. But what are we actually attempting to do when we snap the shot. We take to photo to try and capture a memory that we fear will otherwise be lost. Then when we look back we are rushed by a magnitude of emotions that we have connected with that photo, that memory. Isn't that tv purpose of the photo? To document those emotions. Is it better to store the memories in our hearts or in the photos? The heart never forget the at we felt after our first kiss or that sunrise over the ocean. The phot serves to capture the visually so the dart can be reminded.

What Lê has done in the phot here I display are in bo way related to the above random thought. He has taken the brokenness of being from two worlds and put them together to demonstrate to the world who he is. What I think the photos do is offer a critique about America and the dream that we are living in and not really being exposed to the bitter reality.

I want to remember re best way pssible so as to not forget the fact that I have been blessed.

Lost... Help?

Dear Lord,
I lost, maybe its time to realize what it means to perserver. I need to not give up. Satan is trying to force me down, to keep me from reaching my potential. I know that I can do it, because you did it. I need to advocate for myself, and to get the help that I need so that I can reach the people of Spain with the Gospel. Don't leave me now, I cannot survive here long, without your help without your grace, and without your mercy. I pray Lord for you strength to surround, and bind me, so that I may know your love. I am going to do it to surrender my all to you, my blood, sweat, tears, stress, and my whole being, is yours. I shall not give up now. Living for Jesus every day, is my goal, and so I will do it.

Blessings,
Sarah Jane

the light?

I figured out part of it. Okay, so for most of my life, maybe really all of it, I have never been good at making friends. I am shy, passive, and not very out going. I think it is a fundamental part of childhood development that I missed, due to some environmental conditions, where i never had to really go about making friends. And so when high school came around, man, i was screwed. Shy, not ready to branch out and get hurt. So college went the same way as high school, the shy girl who didn't make many friends unless it was easy. Now here I am four years later kicking myself, because im all alone. Now I am not going to blame my past for my current condition, because I could get out from under my problem, and deal with it.

So tonight as i was talking with a good friend of mine, i realized that last spring, was a time in which I caught up on all that lost development. I learned alot and grew, and this summer I was able to act upon that growth. yet coming back to gordon, and being isolated from that community, I am 'stuck' with the consequences of the girl I was freshman year. The girl who was too insecure to make friends. While I am no longer that girl, I can't escape what she did. I don't want to be her again, I like the new version of me, that has grown. I don't want to relapse, and i feel as though I am, and that scares me. While that is not the entirety of the problem, it certainly is a portion of it. So yeah... thank goodness i got through the first of it. next saturday will be a true test of my endurance... we'll see.

Hmm

Again, here I am, my pit not so big, the darkness not so scary, but still, its there... if i can, i will identify my darkened pit as loneliness, as fear, as insecurity, and hopelessness. It see it as anything more that these, might be over exaggerating, and anything less would not describe the pain. Where do I start to fix this, how do i climb out of it? Well, Matt told me to get over it, and grow up, and put on my big girl pants. I want to, but that seems to easy,

how to i tell the people who are so close that i hurt, that i am going crazy in my head, that I can't handle this on my own anymore. I so done on the inside. its eating me alive, i can't drink to make it better... and i don't want to do it the old way. but i can't think of any other options. I can't tell people i hurt, i can't burden people with my problems. i have to be my own solution. I need my oxygen, but where i find it, im not sure. i think its in a bottle downstairs

i was looking forward to this weekend... it was going to be the solution to my problem. my girls were going to come, there was going to be hope, i should have known better than to trust to find a solution is something so unreliable. Im a mess, and nobody knows. im wrecked, and i don't know how to fix it. i know the temporary solution, lies in bottle, but what about long term. how do i start fixing that, how do i put the train back on the track to the next destination.

A dark place

Good morning,
Here i sit, trying to improve my life, yet it gets darker, as i go on. Where is the light? I can't seem to find it. I sit here in the cave of darkness. Perpetuated by inability to figure out myself, and my drinking. I need help. I need to crawl out of this pit I am drowning in.

I am frustrated. I am upset that my roommates cannot get along. one is afraid to approach the other and doesn't realize that other person is still upset. Because the other one is still upset, she is refusing to acknowledge the other person. I know both sides, and they wont talk to each other, and it hurts, both physically and emotionally, and I don't know what to do about it.

Learning Spanish

Estoy pensando que hasta el con debo escribir mis 'posts' en español para que pueda aprender y usarlo en mi vida diraia. Hoy es domingo y hay un gran tromente de nieve a fuera de la iglesia. Hacia mucho tiempo que no asistío esta iglesia aquí en Gloucester. Hoy ellos hacieron un debate entre algunos groupos de miembros. Por lo menos entiendo lo queellos están dicen, pero los accentos todavía es algo tan difícil para entender. La moraleja de UMH para hoy era de Dios, claro

Oh no

Peacemaker... is that my new official role in the house? When all i want is to just have a calm peaceful night with everyone seems to fight. I don't want to get involved in the problems that exist between other people. And there just seems to be alot of underlying problems that continue to work themeselves out as other things arise. Not that i am part of some of the problems, I am just trying to make that different this semester. This semester I want to be a solution, even if that means just being on the outside and not getting involved. Last semester it was easier because i wasn't sharing a room with anyone. Now tonight i felt like i got peged because of the fact that i share a room. I feel as though everyone has valid concerns, it just is not really communicated, and some people just haven't grown up, and others have.

I was home again, alone for a long time. Lonely doesn't really describe how it went. I wasn't very lonely, i was pretty productive, and it was restful, until others came home. What I did enjoy was that I was able to eat today,and not over eat. I loved it. It is satisfying to know that I have the will power to say no. now that I am talking about it, i am getting a lil hungry. But, there is no eatting until tomorrow morning.

The eve of a new / last semester

Oh boy! I can't believe I am a second semester senior! Where have the last four years gone? I'm sure my mom and my dad feel the same way. I love them both so much. Here I am on the eve of the beginning of the end and I am nervious about where it is going. Well I mean with my house, I got here at around 6 and nobody was here until 10. Not that I mind being alone unjust don't want it happening everyday. Im already struggling with loniness enough as it is that I don't need to be alone in my house all the time. I know that I am an emotional eater and a bored eater. I did well tonight and today in general regarding my bad eatting habits. See you in the morning!

My Fears

Good Morning,
my fears regarding God's plan for me, start in Modesto. Getting to Modesto is not the problem. The problem lies when i get then. Im scared to death of what it is that i actually have to do when i get there. I feel as though I have no clue about what im doing, so how am i suppose to do i. But like Moses, I have been called there. When Moses was called to go to Egypt God went with him every step of the way and helped to accomplish what it was that God wanted him to do. I can only pray and trust that God will do the same for me. Not only when i get there, but also along the way. With the things that I want to accomplish before I get there, I need God's help. I need Him to lead me.
So the 4 things that I mentioned at the beginning of this are
1. Approval
2. Graduation
3. Weight
4. Money

The past couple of days i have had a break through with both money and weight. I went to the doctors on Wed. and talked with my doctor about trying to become a healthier version of myself. She said that I could join Curves, and should go swimming too. Which im excited about. So i went to Curves yesterday and made an appointment to go in on monday to try everything out. The other thing my doctor and I talked about was food, because I don't really eat all of the right foods, but im working on that. So ya, she basically said to continue eatting the way i am eatting, but change my portion size. I am also taking it upon myself to eat more fruits and veggies. YAY. Last night when I went out to eat with my roommate, i was able to look at the plate of pasta, and decide that I only wanted to eat part of it, not all of it. and I did. I was very proud of myself. I also have not been eatting late at night, which i think will help. Now i just have to get to the exersize part of my diet. jaja... maybe soon I can do that.
The other thing that has gone well, is that I came back to MA, and I got myself back into my babysitting job. YAY! If i can do alot of work for her, I am going to do that. I am also thinking about maybe getting a housekeeping, under the table sort of job, and whatever I make from that I want to put into my saving account, and put what I make babysitting into my checking. (I don't have much a choice, given that its a direct deposit into my checking. :-p). well thats it for now. off to work. I don't want to be late. See ya'll laters.

Answering the Assignments

Health
So why do i deserve to be healthy...
1. i was wonderful and fearfully made by the hands of God. And i honestly don't think that, my human person was meant to be this big. i don't feel as though i can complete God's work the way I am. I want to give Him, my best and my all. That is part of why i want to do this.
So why do i want to be healthy...
1. there are alot of answers
2. i want energy, today i spent the day laying in bed because i was so tired, and i had so much today, and could not get out of bed. now this seems to be my lack of sleep, but eh. whatever. I just need to start doing it, instead of keep on waiting.
3. my grandparents health has been spiraling out of control in the past couple of months, and seeing how they have progressed, i want to avoid that. i want to be the best me that i can be. i want to lead a healthy lifestyle. and the best time to start is now. not in 40 years when its necessary, i want to live a healthy life.

One thing that i did to try and make progress regarding my health is to visit my doctor. I went the other day to talk to her about a few things. One was about my diet the other was about my none-existent menstruation. she helped me to see that i can be a healthier me by changing a few things about my current lifestyle. I just gotta work on it. :-p work on it, work on it. jajaja bed time

Oprah

Oprah today, is about ultimate health check list -- 

1. Get a Doctor

2. The 5 to Avoid

* High-fructose corn syrup

* Sugar

* 'Enriched'

* Trans fats (extends the shelf life)

* Saturated fat

3. Foods to Add

* Anti-Oxidants (tomatoes, Blueberries, Artichokes)

* Omega 3 (3 grams a day) Fish, flax seeds, walnuts, Squash

* Fiber (25 gams) lentils, black beans, raspberries

* Olive Oil (1 tablespoon)

4. Take a multi-vitamin 

* No more than 5000IU

5. Know your #'s

* Waist Size

* Blood Pressure

* Cholestoral 

* Resting heart rate

* Blood sugar

* Vitamin D levels

* C-Reactive Protein level

* TSH -- Thyroid Stimulating Hormone

Assignments:

1. Why am I worthy of getting healthy?

2. Three foods to stop buying / three foods to add

Love

So, the second day of the new year, and im still rather 'unhappy' for a lack of better terms. The more i ponder my current situation the more worried or nervous I get that I am not where I am suppose to be. Why do these things seem to be at the forefront of my mind? Why am i preoccupied with something that for so long i didn't care about. Maybe I have been kidding myself for years that I didn't care about falling in love, maybe deep down I really want to fall in loved. But isn't that greatest desire of all humans, to love and be loved? I have put on this front for so long that I don't care about falling in love, that for me its just an added bonus if i do happen to fall in love. uh i have always felt that if i don't go looking then love will find me, but what if I am suppose to be looking. But ultimately the biggest question for me is, WHY DO I CARE? I have never cared before, and now all of a sudden i do. I don't know if i have any single friends. maybe thats my problem. maybe i need to find people who aren't currently attached to others. 

The reason I am trying to work this all out, is because I know the damage that this sort of mental and emotional problem will cause for me. 1. I will eat too much and 2. I will drink too much. Both are things that I have vowed to stop doing so much in the coming year because of my desire to be healthy. AHH. Im over it, its out, I care. I admit that I care. I want to fall in love. I want to know what it feels like. Right now, I am close to just eating and drinking away the pain... eating being a more practical option. The temptation is killing me, but I am going to do something more productive, what that is, i don't know. 

The New Year

2008 in review
Jan - May were rather important months as they were characterized by my semester abroad in Spain. It was the first time that I lived rather independent from my family. I learned to be confidant in myself and learned to how to somewhat advocate for myself. I met many amazing people, and I have my regrets, things that I wish I had done differently. But for me to sit here and dwell on the things i didn't do would undermine the things that I did accomplish, especially since I can't go back and change what happened. The only thing that will end up happening is, that I will beat myself up and get depressed. So the best things about Spain.
1. Anique, Mandie, -- two amazing girls who taught me alot about life. Anique made me realize that I need to stop allowing my past to be an excuse for the future. That is huge for me. And both girls made me see that I can be a confidant young women. They both also dragged me onto dance floors, and i learned to let go and have fun. To me dancing is an expression of freedom, and if i am not ashamed of myself out there, and can be myself, shouldn't i then be able to transfer that from the dances of the night to my affairs during the day?? (im working towards that).
2. Maria Jose -- a women who showed love in many ways, and allowed me to experience Spanish culture in a way that many Americans exchange students have not been able to. Which reminds me, I need to write to here before i start another semester of school.
May-Aug. The summer months, I was home from the best four months of my life thus far. needless to say i spent time being sad and upset, to be in what i thought to be a very uncultured part of the US, where I would never get a chance to practice the Spanish i worked so hard to acquire. I went back to the job I have held for the past 3 summers as a photographer. The summer proved to be both very positive, and had one negative side effect that I can think of. One of the best things about summer 2008 is that I got to know very well a wonderful girl named Katie. She was a huge blessings, because of the fact that I didn't know her very well before i went to Spain, it was fun to get to know someone and start a relationship with someone after i came back and was a different person. Not to mention, she is just an amazing person who has alot to offer to the world. The only problem though however, is that we did spend alot of time outside of work drinking together. I think i get some of my drinking habits from her... which can't be that great, but remember, im working on drinking less. So far i have done a good job doing that, only having one drink a night here with my parents. I know i could probably do less than that.

As I write this post, there are so many things that are running through my mind about things i feel I want to change about myself in the year to come. wow. so before i even get to finish my 2008 review, my brain is jumping to 2009, uh... I have had too much time to think in the past couple of hours, and now I am overwhelmed by alot of things. so here we go. I am going to list them out...
1. I feel like I am still 12 years old.
This past week I have been on vacation with my parents and my brother. a family vacation is not a bad thing at all. it has been alot of fun none the less. however, the only difference between now and vacations when i was 12 is that i can drive and i can drink. I don't feel like i have grown up at all. Is that a bad thing? Im still trying to work that one out in my head.
2. Am I scared of love?
I feel as though i make excuses as to why i cant be in relationships. Not that i have anyone interested in me, but if i did, what would i do. This kind of goes aolong with the idea that I feel like i am 12 years old. I look around me, and all of my cousins and my friends have been in serious relationships, or are currently in a serious relationship. Why are things different with me? Rationally i know that it isn't smart to start a relationship with someone now, when i am planning on moving to California is 8 months.. why would I do that?? what happens if i do find someone, i dunno, lots to think about. but whatever thats another day.

I think tomorrow i can post some more when I am bored at the airport. Good night for now.