I figured out part of it. Okay, so for most of my life, maybe really all of it, I have never been good at making friends. I am shy, passive, and not very out going. I think it is a fundamental part of childhood development that I missed, due to some environmental conditions, where i never had to really go about making friends. And so when high school came around, man, i was screwed. Shy, not ready to branch out and get hurt. So college went the same way as high school, the shy girl who didn't make many friends unless it was easy. Now here I am four years later kicking myself, because im all alone. Now I am not going to blame my past for my current condition, because I could get out from under my problem, and deal with it.
So tonight as i was talking with a good friend of mine, i realized that last spring, was a time in which I caught up on all that lost development. I learned alot and grew, and this summer I was able to act upon that growth. yet coming back to gordon, and being isolated from that community, I am 'stuck' with the consequences of the girl I was freshman year. The girl who was too insecure to make friends. While I am no longer that girl, I can't escape what she did. I don't want to be her again, I like the new version of me, that has grown. I don't want to relapse, and i feel as though I am, and that scares me. While that is not the entirety of the problem, it certainly is a portion of it. So yeah... thank goodness i got through the first of it. next saturday will be a true test of my endurance... we'll see.
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