I am still having trouble undertanding myself. Those lies... never seem to leave me be. I hate coming to this class alone, I still cant seem to make friends the way I want to. It's the peer thing, I guess I look even more like a loser to the because I am all alone. But maybe if I wasn't afraid of them than there wouldn't be a problem, unfortunately it's a phobia, one that I am ashamed of and can't believe I live my life by. I need a new beginning. I can tell everyone to live that way, but I can't believe it or live it for myself. I live in a world of excuses a closed world where I am all alone I can't share my burrden. I need someone to hold me accountable, but of no one knows how can they help.
God I come to you and pray for your strenght to empower me. I refuse to live the lies.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
ITS A LIE
First of all, I just want to say that relationships are complicated, and I am not sure I am going to ever be able to handle a relationship.
Second of all, I was talking with someone today and she said that i should point out the lies that everyone has always told me about myself.
1. why would anyone ever want to look at you, or be in a relationship with you. THAT'S A LIE! I am worth just as much love as anyone else. I am worthy.
2. you have a weird accent. THAT'S A LIE! I am no different any anyone else. I was just a normal 12 year old girl. I am still just a normal person.
3. maybe if you tried harder to look nicer someone would ask you to prom. THAT'S A LIE! why can't someone just love me for who I am? Why do I have to be different for someone to love me? I am who God created me to be, beautiful inside and out.
Satan can't use these lies to beat me down any more
Bueno, me voy... hasta pronto amor
Second of all, I was talking with someone today and she said that i should point out the lies that everyone has always told me about myself.
1. why would anyone ever want to look at you, or be in a relationship with you. THAT'S A LIE! I am worth just as much love as anyone else. I am worthy.
2. you have a weird accent. THAT'S A LIE! I am no different any anyone else. I was just a normal 12 year old girl. I am still just a normal person.
3. maybe if you tried harder to look nicer someone would ask you to prom. THAT'S A LIE! why can't someone just love me for who I am? Why do I have to be different for someone to love me? I am who God created me to be, beautiful inside and out.
Satan can't use these lies to beat me down any more
Bueno, me voy... hasta pronto amor
Progress
I think I am making progress in all areas minus one. The finances are still a lil on the lacking side. i am not working as much as I should be, but I am not sure that with my current academic schedule i could work more. I am going to try and pick up a few one time jobs that will allow me to do some house cleaning and get some cash to spend or to save. Plus, my taxes will be coming in and what not, so I need to split that between my two accounts.
but progress, focusing on the good, because I am doing a good job. sometimes
1. Drinking / Openness -- i have reccently given up drinking liquor because I feel convicted that I shouldn't be drinking it, plus its kinda expensive anyways. haha. So yeah, But I am out in the open with my roommates and other people in my life about my struggle with drinking, and why im drinking and how i want to change. I realized that I have been drinking to make myself socially comfortabale. yikes! Self-confidence issue right there. Not something I can change over night, because I have socail anxiety that resluts from my lack of self confidence. woot woot. again, working on it. The bar scene the other night was terrible, because I walked in Dylan wasn't there, and I didn't know anyone. He came, for a lil bit, left for a lil bit, and then it was just wierd. So yeah, i'll maybe try it again soon.
2. weight loss - well the pounds are melting off as fast as the inches seem to be doing. I guess I had a lot of 'flab' that just needed to be tightened up. So I am working out still, and I am eatting better. I think? Trying not to drink soda, and the worse part is that beer has a lot of calories, so I need to concious of that. i.e. I need to look at my caloric intake before I have a drink to see if i have room in my diet that day to have a beer. Too bad my favorite drinks are heavier. BOO. I'll continue working on it. wish me luck.
but progress, focusing on the good, because I am doing a good job. sometimes
1. Drinking / Openness -- i have reccently given up drinking liquor because I feel convicted that I shouldn't be drinking it, plus its kinda expensive anyways. haha. So yeah, But I am out in the open with my roommates and other people in my life about my struggle with drinking, and why im drinking and how i want to change. I realized that I have been drinking to make myself socially comfortabale. yikes! Self-confidence issue right there. Not something I can change over night, because I have socail anxiety that resluts from my lack of self confidence. woot woot. again, working on it. The bar scene the other night was terrible, because I walked in Dylan wasn't there, and I didn't know anyone. He came, for a lil bit, left for a lil bit, and then it was just wierd. So yeah, i'll maybe try it again soon.
2. weight loss - well the pounds are melting off as fast as the inches seem to be doing. I guess I had a lot of 'flab' that just needed to be tightened up. So I am working out still, and I am eatting better. I think? Trying not to drink soda, and the worse part is that beer has a lot of calories, so I need to concious of that. i.e. I need to look at my caloric intake before I have a drink to see if i have room in my diet that day to have a beer. Too bad my favorite drinks are heavier. BOO. I'll continue working on it. wish me luck.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
In my car
So here I am sitting in my car for the past 15 minutes and I have yet to work up the courage to get out of my car... But I guess here goes nothing... I'll open the door... Step by step cross the street. That sounds easy but require almost too much thought. Good luck. And here I go.
anxiety
I have a problem, I am suffering from lack of confidence. I thought I had left my insecurities in Spain, but I guess my work is far from over. Tonight, I am going to a bar that I have never been to, to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in years. Dylan is one of my best friends from high school, and I can't eat I'm so nervous. I over react, I am scared to get there, and have him not show up, and then I'm by myself. I am not sure if it would be better if I had been to this bar before or not. This happened, on Sunday, but it wasn't as bad, because I knew the bar and the person I was meeting was someone i have seen within the last two months. Dylan, I haven't seen in 3 years.
It blows my mind, that the insecurities that have kept me in bondage for years, that I thought I had abandoned, are still a large part of who I am. I just don't get what triggers this problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. Am I nervous that I am not good enough? Im scared of how people will respond to me, and that I'll be left alone.
Maybe I'll get answers one day, until then, I have to be bold, and pray that I make the right choices. I think this is part of hte reason i have a drinking problem, because drinking puts me at ease and allows me to relax. I am trying to figure out how to do that without a drink. yikes... God i pray that you will help me discover my worth and my pride in myself.
It blows my mind, that the insecurities that have kept me in bondage for years, that I thought I had abandoned, are still a large part of who I am. I just don't get what triggers this problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. Am I nervous that I am not good enough? Im scared of how people will respond to me, and that I'll be left alone.
Maybe I'll get answers one day, until then, I have to be bold, and pray that I make the right choices. I think this is part of hte reason i have a drinking problem, because drinking puts me at ease and allows me to relax. I am trying to figure out how to do that without a drink. yikes... God i pray that you will help me discover my worth and my pride in myself.
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