the light?

I figured out part of it. Okay, so for most of my life, maybe really all of it, I have never been good at making friends. I am shy, passive, and not very out going. I think it is a fundamental part of childhood development that I missed, due to some environmental conditions, where i never had to really go about making friends. And so when high school came around, man, i was screwed. Shy, not ready to branch out and get hurt. So college went the same way as high school, the shy girl who didn't make many friends unless it was easy. Now here I am four years later kicking myself, because im all alone. Now I am not going to blame my past for my current condition, because I could get out from under my problem, and deal with it.

So tonight as i was talking with a good friend of mine, i realized that last spring, was a time in which I caught up on all that lost development. I learned alot and grew, and this summer I was able to act upon that growth. yet coming back to gordon, and being isolated from that community, I am 'stuck' with the consequences of the girl I was freshman year. The girl who was too insecure to make friends. While I am no longer that girl, I can't escape what she did. I don't want to be her again, I like the new version of me, that has grown. I don't want to relapse, and i feel as though I am, and that scares me. While that is not the entirety of the problem, it certainly is a portion of it. So yeah... thank goodness i got through the first of it. next saturday will be a true test of my endurance... we'll see.

Hmm

Again, here I am, my pit not so big, the darkness not so scary, but still, its there... if i can, i will identify my darkened pit as loneliness, as fear, as insecurity, and hopelessness. It see it as anything more that these, might be over exaggerating, and anything less would not describe the pain. Where do I start to fix this, how do i climb out of it? Well, Matt told me to get over it, and grow up, and put on my big girl pants. I want to, but that seems to easy,

how to i tell the people who are so close that i hurt, that i am going crazy in my head, that I can't handle this on my own anymore. I so done on the inside. its eating me alive, i can't drink to make it better... and i don't want to do it the old way. but i can't think of any other options. I can't tell people i hurt, i can't burden people with my problems. i have to be my own solution. I need my oxygen, but where i find it, im not sure. i think its in a bottle downstairs

i was looking forward to this weekend... it was going to be the solution to my problem. my girls were going to come, there was going to be hope, i should have known better than to trust to find a solution is something so unreliable. Im a mess, and nobody knows. im wrecked, and i don't know how to fix it. i know the temporary solution, lies in bottle, but what about long term. how do i start fixing that, how do i put the train back on the track to the next destination.

A dark place

Good morning,
Here i sit, trying to improve my life, yet it gets darker, as i go on. Where is the light? I can't seem to find it. I sit here in the cave of darkness. Perpetuated by inability to figure out myself, and my drinking. I need help. I need to crawl out of this pit I am drowning in.